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{Jan 28, 2020}

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{Sept 7, 2019}

It seems like I've abandoned this blog but I'm still struggling. Now that school has started, it's easier to starve. I just avoid thinspo, tumblr, this blog, and weight talk because I get very 'triggered'. I know that's not the right use for the term and I sound like an SJW but it's true. That doesn't mean I'm stopping, I AM going to be skinny. I'm just really sad rn. Cigarettes are one of the only things that makes me feel good, I dont know what to do anymore. Have a good day/night/whatever...:)

highest measurments...idk for sure: 37-33-43 ???

lowest: 37-29-41

current: 37-30-42

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{July 23, 2019}

Sup. I haven't lost any weight AGAIN (not surprised) because I've been sad/eating too much. I went on a trip for 2 weeks with my parents, so i couldnt starve. Luckily, I don't think I've visibly gained weight, but too afraid to check the scale. TBH, i fucking hate scales. I've gotten taller and it doesn;t account for muscle, so I'm gonna focus on tape measurments. I also found out I'm 5'6, not 5'7, so now my entire fucking bmi is messed up :(. I got my period back, I'm still frumpy looking, and it's all my fault :/ Whatever, I'm back on my bullshit. I will be lose weight again :p

"I'm not eating food I'm eating fucking numbers and I can't taste anything but shame and guilt and fear"-someone on twitter lol

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{June 20, 2019}

Hi! I haven't updated in a while. I've been binging (as in eating like a normal human being) for the last month, so I haven't lost any weight. I am at 157, but idk if it's water weight, since I avoid the scale out of fear. Hopefully it is, since I drink A LOT of water. Currently, I'm fasting. I hope everything goes well, I want to lose 10 pounds in a couple of weeks. Byeee...

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{May 24, 2019}

Hi! I finaly figured out why im not losing any weight, I'm at a weight loss plateau! Some sources told me to increase my calorie intake for a few days and then go back to normal, others said to decrease it. I don't know what to do, so I binged last night (binge as in eat the a normal person) and I'm fasting for atleast 24 hours. Gonna trick my nasty metabolism. ALSO, before I started restricting, my body type according to body type calculators was rectangle. My tiddies were small, my waist was larger (i don't remember, maybe 33-32 inches), and my hips weren't that large. Now I took it again with multiple sources and now I'm pear shaped (now my waist is 29 inches!!). I'm really pleased with that. I'd prefer to be hourglass, but pear shaped is still very womanly. No offense to rectangle shaped people, I honestly think less curves looks good on many people. Just not on me. BTW, my ed pisses me off!! I see girls who are wayyy bigger than me and they still look hot. I don't get why I do this to myself. I'm still not gonna stop tho ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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{May 16, 2019}

I ate 500 calories today and I feel so fat, even though 500 calories is a lot better than I've been doing. I've felt nauseous the last couple of days but I feel fine now. Last night I forced myself to purge, not with the intention of losing calories. I just wanted to make myself suffer for eating almost 1000 calories. I also punched myself in the stomach multiple times because I deserved it. Now my stomach is kinda sore. Every since my birthday (2 weeks ago), I havent lost any weight. Still at 150. This month WILL be different. I WILL lose atleast 8 pounds. I CAN do it. I also might wake and bake tomorrow and go downtown. I'll bring cocktail tomatoes incase I get the munchies.

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{May 15, 2019}

I have been doing pretty bad lately. I have been eating under 1000 calories the last week, except for yesterday (I had around 1300). Tbh, I haven't been obsessively counting cals, but I know I have been under 1000. That's still not good AT ALL. I need to stick to around 500. I literally finished crying in the shower about how fat I am, how much of a failure and a fake I am, and how hopeless I feel. I'm a lil pussy bitch waaahhh. I also purged in my toilet and THATS WHEN IT DECIDEDS TO PLUG. I coudln't unplug it, so my mom helped. I just told her I accidently threw up and she believed me. Also, my dad won't stop drinking. He's been binge drinking for like almost 2 months, I don't rememeber the last time I hung out with him sober, just the two of us. I love him so much and I think he's slowly killing himself. I don't know how to stop him. I've been extra weighed down by that. I can't do this any more. Anyways, gonna eat around 500 tomorrow and maybe wake and bake on Friday morning. See ya.

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{May 12, 2019}

Yo! It's mothers day. I overate (still at 1000-ish cals), but I'm restricting all week. I feel good and energized. I told my mom I am gonna be 'intermittent fasting' 2 days of the week, and am gonna consume 500-600 cals 2 days a week. Surprisingly, she said she would join me. I love my mom and don't want her to become food obsessed, but she has innocent intentions and just wants to loose a bit of belly fat. I'm kinda happy because for 2 days a week, I have an excuse to eat less dinner. Now I only have to pretend to eat normally for 5 other days, instead of 7. I'm also not gonna consume 500-600 cals on fasting days, but instead say I ate a big breakfast (and not actually eat) , and pretty much skip dinner. YESSSS!!! TBH a part of me is nervous she'll somehow find out about my ED, but I'm just scaring myself. Wish me luck!!

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{May 11, 2019}

Hi! I'm getting back on track. Yesterday I had 545 cals yesterday and today I had 465 calories. I think I gained 3 pounds over my 5 day 'binge' (literally just eating like a normal human being) so I feel like shit. I'm gonna try to avoid tumblr and ed/weight related media until I feel better. Tumblr helps with tips but it's kind of a toxic place that makes me feel bad about myself. Everyone is a better anorexic than me (that sounds so fucked up). Even with a deficit I feel like a failure. I don't really feel comfortable calling myself anorexic since I haven't been formally diagnosed. I might have EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), but I lean most towards anorexia nervosa. IDK. Also, lately I've been feeling very low. I haven't worked out in over a week since my gym pass expired (getting a new one soon). I just feel like I'm gaining, even though I'm not. I don't know how to stop feeling like shit. I want to eat AND be thin, but I can't have both. As messed up as it is, I feel like I NEED my ed. Anyways, hope you're having a great day. Doubt anyone reads this but whatever. Thanks, stranger.

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{May 8, 2019}

I am going to get back on track. Yesterday I had the munchies and ate around 2000 cals, but today I ate 395 cals and burned 180 throughout the day, so I'm down to 215. I know it doesn't sound like I restrict because all these previous posts were about me binging, but that was just a week. I have lost over 25 pounds in 3 months by restricting. I sw was 175, my cw is 150 and my gw is 120. I feel like I could have lost more if I didn't binge. I have been avoiding scales and mirrors because I've been eating around 2000 cals a day. Again, I'm going to do better. I saw this post on tumblr saying that anorexics that eat around 500-1000 cals a day are the ones that lose the most weight. I know that's probably true but I am still gonna eat as little as possible. I know you binge if you restrict too low, but whatever. Also, I've been smoking every night for the past 4 days (not good for me) and I did my first wake and bake. A wake and bake would be fun on a weekend, but I had to go to school right after. I'm so flipping tired of school. UPDATE: I ate a small apple and half a banana. This equals up to another 125 cals, so I'm at 340. Still under 500 cals, not bad...

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{May 7, 2019}

I told myself I wouldn't overeat but guess wat? I DID :')))!!! I am gonna be honest, during my four day 'binge', I felt great. I ate whatever I wanted. I kind of miss that feeling; eating whatever, whenever. How easy it was to just eat a chocolate or some chips and not feel regret/shame. Now it is all catching up to me. I realize how many calories I consumed, but I can't change the past. I've been really struggling today. I'm gonna smoke tonight but wasn't planning on getting any food for munchies. In a state of euphoria and giddiness, I spent 9 dollars at Dollarama getting food. I got cookies, teddy crackers, doritos, 2 chocolate bars, and 2 diet cokes. I regretted buying it all after, knowing that I might give in. I'm going to gain all the weight I lost back. Why can't I stop myself?? Anyways, school has been shitty and dreary, I haven't been motivated. I cannot wait until summer. Bye, stay safe.

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{May 3, 2019}

I'm 17!! I had a great time at the restaurant seeing my family. I ate whatever I wanted all day and didn't feel bad. Now the fun and novelty is wearing off. I feel regret and shame. I'm bloated and big and hideous. I can't believe I ate that much. I'm gonna use this weekend/week to starve and restrict A LOT. I will let this go, it was my birthday. But never again.

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{May 2, 2019}

My 17th birthday is tomorrow and I'e already binged all day today. I'm also going to a greek restauant tomorrow, so I'm gonna have a normal meal. I feel gross, but I've given myself permission to eat. Y'know wats weird?? Even when I give myself permission to stuff my face, I only eat cereal, goldfish, and small chocolates, even when we have other options. I absolutley FORBID myself icecream, cookies, and anything that tastes too sweet. Like, I can't even SOMEWHAT enjoy my binges hah. I ate 200 cals yesterday and am planning to fast/eat a very minimal amount over the weekend so I don't gain. I'm probably gonna eat more tonight, since I'm eating an edible and I'm gonna have the munchies. Whatever, ya got to live a little. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have an ed. I always feel like I'm faking it. Ehhh, who cares about label tho. I still feel tired and shitty almost all the time, no matter what I have. Anyways, gonna indulge in my special cookie. By the way, I had a few edible crumbs in math class today and didn't really feel anything. I was a bit disappointed, but what the hell did I expect. THEY WERE CRUMBS LOL.

What do you mean smoking pot isn't a personality trait??

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{April 30, 2019}

I wasn't going to write today, but now I feel compelled to. I was doing so well today, making it just under 300 (like I told myself I would). However, I decided it would be smart to eat a shit tone of cereal, 6 chocolate chip cookies, and a few spoons of peanut butter. It doesn't sound that bad, but it was A LOT! I tried to remain positive, but I looked 7 months pregnant (literally). I almost started breaking down in my bathroom but I took a shower and purged. I feel disgusting, bloated, ugly...I told myself I wouldn't do this. Food is controlling me. I am such a failure. I've been working so hard these few months, and I see NO progress. I look in the mirror and see someone who is unlovable and undesirable. However, I'm trying not to beat myself up too much. I acted like a dummy but there are ways I can improve, so I'm gonna fast tomorrow. ALL DAY, NO EXCUSES!! 0 CALORIES! Also, I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt I told my friends that I purge, and even when I still have vomit remnants on my hands, I still put my fingers down my throat so I can taste the pain. I actually felt peaceful during that dream. A few weeks ago, I dreamt I ate 2 cookies and a sandwich, and immediately threw up into my kitchen trash. I can't even escape this stuff in my dreams loloololl. It's weird I have bulimia dreams when I don't even purge that often (maybe twice a month)?? Anyways, sorry I sound so depressing. Have a good night people!!

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{April 29, 2019}

I successfully finished a 24 hour fast and could have gone longer.But my mom made me eat dinner, which was strawberry spinach salad, tater tots, and a hamburger patty. I only at my salad (180), 2 tots (30), and 3/4s of my patty (155). I also snacked on a small cup of harvest crunch with no milk later (360) later. Overall, I have consumed 575 cals today, but burned off 180 from walking. Also, I literally drank 2L of diet coke today (which is NOT good and made me bloated af). My total was 545. I don't know what is wrong with me; I am seriously under eating and I still feel like I ate too much. FUCK! I'm gonna try to only eat dinner tomorrow, and stay around 200-300. I'm actually hoping my mom won't make dinner so I can have soup!! I love soup so much. Anyways, gonna watch some Gordon Ramsey and chill. Have a great day, y'all!

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{April 28, 2019}

Hai! This is my first blog post. I am having fun making this site and I am glad I decided to do this. If you are reading and have an ed, I hope you get the help you need and stay safe. If you don't have one, please avoid places where you might be influenced. I don't want anyone to have an ed cuz they suck. However, these last few days haven't been too bad. I binged yesterday, but everyday is a new start. I am currently trying to fast, but I don't know how long it will last. My mom might make me eat dinner *sigh*. I might update later to write how it goes. Have a great day!! :D

UPDATE: It's currently 9:00pm, and I am having enjoying creating this site. Honestly, I feel kinda bad about making it tho. I don't want to seem like I'm romanticizing eds by making this all cute and aesthetic. Again, I just need this place for me. I'm sorry if it comes off that way.