i dont know why she said dieting is bad at a young age, she was straight up wrong. dieting at a young age isnt the primary factor in slower metabolisms as you get older, it literally happens to everyone regardless of diet; i even searched it up online and nothing came up about what she said. i mean, starving youself might do that, but not normal lifestyle changes/diets lol. being overweight isnt good either, and i would be 30 pounds heavier if i didn't fucking 'diet'. i ate a lot of healthy food and worked out and i didnt shed any pounds before my ED, so dieting was the best thing i could've done for myself. lastly, the two people who were mainly saying that shit are suuuuper naturally skinny, so they cant even comprehend the fact that a fat fucking lard like me would want to eat less.
i mean, i am restricing more and more, eating around 1000 cal a day (i lied to them obvi), so i know im fucking myself over. but they did NOT need to jump the opportunity to lecture me about MY diet, MY habits, MY body. i felt like crying, i felt so overwhelmed, i wanted to sink in my seat. they werent mean, but they acted like i was some insecure, niave girl who wasnt aware of her actions. i am losing more weight (slowly, may i add) and im not some dumbass. im gonna say it; i love restricting. i love it, i love the control, the feeling of looser clothing, the feeling of drinking tea on an empty stomach. im glad im restricting again (not to the point of starvation but getting there soon). i love cigarettes for breakfast, i love knowing im not gonna be stuck in this fat prison forever. an eating disorder sucks but im glad im getting smaller, even if its slower than other anas. ive only been constantly restricting for a week and i dont want to go back. fuck them telling me what to do, fuck them patronizing me, they are not superior even if they are skinny. fuck them fuck them fuck them. all i wanted were hi-chew calories, its not like i was counting grapes in front of them lol.
i went to a party a couple months ago and got a lil drunk and told a complete stranger about my 'past' eating disorder (oversharing much?)...i hope she was drunk too and doesnt remember/care but i guess it doesnt matter. i just dont want my 'friends' (overglorified acquaintances) to gossip. i also went swimming a while back with a guy pal and he 'jokingly' pointed out my self harm scars from scratching (which he didnt know was self harm) and i mistakingly thought he was pointing out my faded cuts on my thigh (not completely noticable) so i hinted at what they were. i was wearing a swimsuit but i felt completely naked when pointed them out multile times; vulnerable, see through, all my secrets coming to light. he later texted me an apology and i forgave him, asking him to keep it a secret. but i have an inkling he told his circle of friends. i have no reason to suspect cuz there is no definitive proof but they talk about other people behind their backs, including friends. it was a shitty thing what he did and im still mortified about it. even if they weren't self harm scars, you shouldnt point out peoples scars/flaws (especially while swimming)!! its called common decency. was he trying to make me feel insecure about the scars? what did he think would happen, did he care? i never want to see any of those godawful people again but i will. everytime im invited somewhere, i forget these feelings and say "sure, ill go!". why? everytime is see them i feel anxious, i feel hated. i am always nervous before i see them and always embarassed/unsure after i see them. they seem like nice people who havent wronged me but its a gut feeling. i try not to think about the swimming incident but all i feel is shame and guilt. why did i cut myself? am i so miserable that my decent life is hard? am i happy that i cant wear a swimsuit in front of my family this summer? the only solution is to scratch the area of my harm until it scars over again. not out of anger or desire to hurt myself but to cover them. i could excuse it as a biking accident or something similar. id rather have an ugly dark mark on my thigh that a razor line. at the time of my self harm, i had a deep rooted anger burning inside me. about my body, my face, my personality, my past mistakes. the only thing i could do was hurt myself. i dont feel that way anymore despite what my ramblings may indicate. i am at peace with myself now, i dont hate myself anymore. i love myself enough to want to be better, to want to be skinnier.
highest measurments...idk for sure: 37-33-43 ???
lowest: 37-29-41
current: 37-30-42
"I'm not eating food I'm eating fucking numbers and I can't taste anything but shame and guilt and fear"-someone on twitter lol
My 17th birthday is tomorrow and I'e already binged all day today. I'm also going to a greek restauant tomorrow, so I'm gonna have a normal meal. I feel gross, but I've given myself permission to eat. Y'know wats weird?? Even when I give myself permission to stuff my face, I only eat cereal, goldfish, and small chocolates, even when we have other options. I absolutley FORBID myself icecream, cookies, and anything that tastes too sweet. Like, I can't even SOMEWHAT enjoy my binges hah. I ate 200 cals yesterday and am planning to fast/eat a very minimal amount over the weekend so I don't gain. I'm probably gonna eat more tonight, since I'm eating an edible and I'm gonna have the munchies. Whatever, ya got to live a little. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have an ed. I always feel like I'm faking it. Ehhh, who cares about label tho. I still feel tired and shitty almost all the time, no matter what I have. Anyways, gonna indulge in my special cookie. By the way, I had a few edible crumbs in math class today and didn't really feel anything. I was a bit disappointed, but what the hell did I expect. THEY WERE CRUMBS LOL.
What do you mean smoking pot isn't a personality trait??
UPDATE: It's currently 9:00pm, and I am having enjoying creating this site. Honestly, I feel kinda bad about making it tho. I don't want to seem like I'm romanticizing eds by making this all cute and aesthetic. Again, I just need this place for me. I'm sorry if it comes off that way.