rant---i went to a get together with a few friends last night at someones house. we were chilling and playing a game when this girl offered everyone hi-chews. i said i would have one and asked for the pack to see the calories. someone asked who actually gave a damn about calories and i said i was on a diet. fairly normal for someone to watch what they're eating, right?? wrong. immediately, everyone starting saying shit like "omg, dont diet, its bad for you", "dont starve yourself", "if you want to lose weight, just work out", and "if you diet at a young age, you'll fuck up your metabolism and it'll be harder to lose weight when you're older", etc for a few minutes. firstly, i didnt tell any of them my dietary habits, nor did i say i was 'starving myself' (so idk where that came from). i told them i ate 1500 a day and they jumped on the opportunity to lecture/condesend me. 1500 a day isnt that bad, its still a healthy amount of food on a diet especially at my weight bracket. secondly, i told them i already lost 30 pounds and knew what i was doing.
i dont know why she said dieting is bad at a young age, she was straight up wrong. dieting at a young age isnt the primary factor in slower metabolisms as you get older, it literally happens to everyone regardless of diet; i even searched it up online and nothing came up about what she said. i mean, starving youself might do that, but not normal lifestyle changes/diets lol. being overweight isnt good either, and i would be 30 pounds heavier if i didn't fucking 'diet'. i ate a lot of healthy food and worked out and i didnt shed any pounds before my ED, so dieting was the best thing i could've done for myself. lastly, the two people who were mainly saying that shit are suuuuper naturally skinny, so they cant even comprehend the fact that a fat fucking lard like me would want to eat less.
i mean, i am restricing more and more, eating around 1000 cal a day (i lied to them obvi), so i know im fucking myself over. but they did NOT need to jump the opportunity to lecture me about MY diet, MY habits, MY body. i felt like crying, i felt so overwhelmed, i wanted to sink in my seat. they werent mean, but they acted like i was some insecure, niave girl who wasnt aware of her actions. i am losing more weight (slowly, may i add) and im not some dumbass. im gonna say it; i love restricting. i love it, i love the control, the feeling of looser clothing, the feeling of drinking tea on an empty stomach. im glad im restricting again (not to the point of starvation but getting there soon). i love cigarettes for breakfast, i love knowing im not gonna be stuck in this fat prison forever. an eating disorder sucks but im glad im getting smaller, even if its slower than other anas. ive only been constantly restricting for a week and i dont want to go back. fuck them telling me what to do, fuck them patronizing me, they are not superior even if they are skinny. fuck them fuck them fuck them. all i wanted were hi-chew calories, its not like i was counting grapes in front of them lol.
its weird to think i had my ed for over a year now and havent lost a substantial amount of weight since july 2019. maybeee 5 pounds but i dont weigh myself anymore. still the same measurments. i dont feel completely terrible about my huge refrigerator body until i see myself in the mirror, in photos, or naked. im starting to hate my face more too and it pisses me off! i can't accurately percieve my face. i know most people can't; our eyes are so used to our faces we lose touch with what it looks like. sometimes i look in the mirror at home and don't hate what i see but when i look at photos of myself/ see my face in other mirrors i look completely different. something is just... off...i dont look like other people. if you were to ask to describe my face, i honestly couldn't confidently answer. in general, i always see that my forehead is big and i have a wide round face with no defined jawline. but other things constantly change; my nose, my forehead, my lips. sometimes my nose is bulbous and huge, my eyes are way too small, my lips are small/thin, my chin is huge. i look like a neanderthal. but other days, i dont look half bad. i know my opinion of myself can easily be dictated by the mood im in but honestly, its not my mood that defines my face. its my face that defines my mood. if that makes sense. dont know what i look like. i ask my mom/brother what i look like, asking them to be unbiased since they are related to me. but my mom telling me im pretty has little value (cuz shes my mom d'uh). i use apps like prettyscale which i know aren't accruate since i generally get 8/10s (humblebrag) and it can rate incorrectly. i use 'which celebrity do you look like' apps (sad i know lol) to compare but they all have nothing in common except hair color. i use photo upload apps that make you into a painting to see the general shape of my face. nothing looks like me. it scares me that everyone can percieve me, judge me, come to their own conculsions about me. i take countless videos and photos of myself to see what i look like when im talking, resting, walking, anything really. i want to see what people see. the creature that walks down the street. the body that strangers sit by on the train. the face people talk to and look at. i want overanalyze all my movements and tweak them to my liking. my appearance isn't a blur, i see what i see, but its shifting from day to day / week to week. maybe what i see is real but i just dont like the reflection staring back.
i went to a party a couple months ago and got a lil drunk and told a complete stranger about my 'past' eating disorder (oversharing much?)...i hope she was drunk too and doesnt remember/care but i guess it doesnt matter. i just dont want my 'friends' (overglorified acquaintances) to gossip. i also went swimming a while back with a guy pal and he 'jokingly' pointed out my self harm scars from scratching (which he didnt know was self harm) and i mistakingly thought he was pointing out my faded cuts on my thigh (not completely noticable) so i hinted at what they were. i was wearing a swimsuit but i felt completely naked when pointed them out multile times; vulnerable, see through, all my secrets coming to light. he later texted me an apology and i forgave him, asking him to keep it a secret. but i have an inkling he told his circle of friends. i have no reason to suspect cuz there is no definitive proof but they talk about other people behind their backs, including friends. it was a shitty thing what he did and im still mortified about it. even if they weren't self harm scars, you shouldnt point out peoples scars/flaws (especially while swimming)!! its called common decency. was he trying to make me feel insecure about the scars? what did he think would happen, did he care? i never want to see any of those godawful people again but i will. everytime im invited somewhere, i forget these feelings and say "sure, ill go!". why? everytime is see them i feel anxious, i feel hated. i am always nervous before i see them and always embarassed/unsure after i see them. they seem like nice people who havent wronged me but its a gut feeling. i try not to think about the swimming incident but all i feel is shame and guilt. why did i cut myself? am i so miserable that my decent life is hard? am i happy that i cant wear a swimsuit in front of my family this summer? the only solution is to scratch the area of my harm until it scars over again. not out of anger or desire to hurt myself but to cover them. i could excuse it as a biking accident or something similar. id rather have an ugly dark mark on my thigh that a razor line. at the time of my self harm, i had a deep rooted anger burning inside me. about my body, my face, my personality, my past mistakes. the only thing i could do was hurt myself. i dont feel that way anymore despite what my ramblings may indicate. i am at peace with myself now, i dont hate myself anymore. i love myself enough to want to be better, to want to be skinnier.
not much hs been going on, have been restricting more since qurantine. drank some alchohol and am drunk rn, but ive got my calories under control. on average, 1,200 a day (which would be considered binging for 'normal' anorexics) but is pretty good for me for now. i aways start off with a higher calorie count but gradually start decreasing my intake. ill probably end up eating 300 a day lol. ive already lost half an inch off my waist, which took about 2 weeks but my restricting was suuuuper easy. am currently 37-28.5-40 :p. will update soon
Soooo i've been feeling really nauseous for the last couple of days; lack of appetite, diarrhea (sorry for TMI), just general digestive problems. well apparently nearly half (48.5%) of COVID-19 patients have had the same digestive symptoms. like,,, i havent felt any respritory effects (yet) and my chest feels fine. i don't want it. it would suck and would put a damper on my life, as well as the life of my loved ones. i don't want anyone in my family to get sick because the virus seems to be getting worse. i hung out with a few friends a couple of days ago and i was too niave. but a SMALL part of me doesnt mind because i would lose some weight. how fucked up is that? people are dying but i care about weight loss??....yes. i feel like shit.
Hi! It's been a long time since I've updated. I decided to change the theme of this blog, just wanted to distract myself and screw around. Anyways, I honestly don't know where to begin, there is so much to tell! Firstly, I think I'm gonna officially start restricting for a long period of time again. I restrict often but its not a pattern that satisfies me; I starve one day, eat normally the next. I have been feeling somewhat better about my eating disorder but I'm not making noticable progress. This time, i'm not only starting so I can lose weight but also gain control of an aspect in my life. I've been feeling very off lately, not only with external factors like school/grades, but my mental health is confusing. I don't think I'm depressed but I get in moods where I NEED to self harm (cutting upper thighs, smashing head against wall, scratching, etc). I have also been getting really strong urges to break mirrors or punch/throw things when I'm mad, and IDK whats wrong with me, I've never felt like that before. I'm not too concerned, in all honesty I think I'm just a whiney pussy who is trying to make her 'problems' seem bigger than they are. If I get deeper into my ed, I know I will fuck myself over but it's not like my ed ever went away, just got slightly less serious. One problem.... I accidently admitted I had an eating disorder when I was drunk so now I'm worried my parents might suspect. However, I've still been able to starve and they never brought it up, so they probably just thought it was drunk over exaggeration. Whatevs. Moving on....I haven't lost much weight. I dont really check the scales anymore (as I said in another blog post) because they dont account for water weight, muscle, hormonal imbalances, etc. Now I just go by measurments. My waist was 29 inches a few months ago, now its only 28.5, sooooo not a lot of progress. In my defense, I havent gained anything considering how much I've been eating AND my hip-to-waist ratio is now 7.1 (my measurements are 37-28.5-40), which is far from ideal. My stomach seems so huge, I don't have any curves and I'm starting to hate my legs more :(. Things will be fine again. Sorry I'm rambling, no one reads this anyways (i think)....just brain vomit blugh. Bye!!
It seems like I've abandoned this blog but I'm still struggling. Now that school has started, it's easier to starve. I just avoid thinspo, tumblr, this blog, and weight talk because I get very 'triggered'. I know that's not the right use for the term and I sound like an SJW but it's true. That doesn't mean I'm stopping, I AM going to be skinny. I'm just really sad rn. Cigarettes are one of the only things that makes me feel good, I dont know what to do anymore. Have a good day/night/whatever...:)
Sup. I haven't lost any weight AGAIN (not surprised) because I've been sad/eating too much. I went on a trip for 2 weeks with my parents, so i couldnt starve. Luckily, I don't think I've visibly gained weight, but too afraid to check the scale. TBH, i fucking hate scales. I've gotten taller and it doesn;t account for muscle, so I'm gonna focus on tape measurments. I also found out I'm 5'6, not 5'7, so now my entire fucking bmi is messed up :(. I got my period back, I'm still frumpy looking, and it's all my fault :/ Whatever, I'm back on my bullshit. I will be lose weight again :p
"I'm not eating food I'm eating fucking numbers and I can't taste anything but shame and guilt and fear"-someone on twitter lol
Hi! I haven't updated in a while. I've been binging (as in eating like a normal human being) for the last month, so I haven't lost any weight. I am at 157, but idk if it's water weight, since I avoid the scale out of fear. Hopefully it is, since I drink A LOT of water. Currently, I'm fasting. I hope everything goes well, I want to lose 10 pounds in a couple of weeks. Byeee...
Hi! I finaly figured out why im not losing any weight, I'm at a weight loss plateau! Some sources told me to increase my calorie intake for a few days and then go back to normal, others said to decrease it. I don't know what to do, so I binged last night (binge as in eat the a normal person) and I'm fasting for atleast 24 hours. Gonna trick my nasty metabolism. ALSO, before I started restricting, my body type according to body type calculators was rectangle. My tiddies were small, my waist was larger (i don't remember, maybe 33-32 inches), and my hips weren't that large. Now I took it again with multiple sources and now I'm pear shaped (now my waist is 29 inches!!). I'm really pleased with that. I'd prefer to be hourglass, but pear shaped is still very womanly. No offense to rectangle shaped people, I honestly think less curves looks good on many people. Just not on me. BTW, my ed pisses me off!! I see girls who are wayyy bigger than me and they still look hot. I don't get why I do this to myself. I'm still not gonna stop tho ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I ate 500 calories today and I feel so fat, even though 500 calories is a lot better than I've been doing. I've felt nauseous the last couple of days but I feel fine now. Last night I forced myself to purge, not with the intention of losing calories. I just wanted to make myself suffer for eating almost 1000 calories. I also punched myself in the stomach multiple times because I deserved it. Now my stomach is kinda sore. Every since my birthday (2 weeks ago), I havent lost any weight. Still at 150. This month WILL be different. I WILL lose atleast 8 pounds. I CAN do it. I also might wake and bake tomorrow and go downtown. I'll bring cocktail tomatoes incase I get the munchies.
I have been doing pretty bad lately. I have been eating under 1000 calories the last week, except for yesterday (I had around 1300). Tbh, I haven't been obsessively counting cals, but I know I have been under 1000. That's still not good AT ALL. I need to stick to around 500. I literally finished crying in the shower about how fat I am, how much of a failure and a fake I am, and how hopeless I feel. I'm a lil pussy bitch waaahhh. I also purged in my toilet and THATS WHEN IT DECIDEDS TO PLUG. I coudln't unplug it, so my mom helped. I just told her I accidently threw up and she believed me. Also, my dad won't stop drinking. He's been binge drinking for like almost 2 months, I don't rememeber the last time I hung out with him sober, just the two of us. I love him so much and I think he's slowly killing himself. I don't know how to stop him. I've been extra weighed down by that. I can't do this any more. Anyways, gonna eat around 500 tomorrow and maybe wake and bake on Friday morning. See ya.
Yo! It's mothers day. I overate (still at 1000-ish cals), but I'm restricting all week. I feel good and energized. I told my mom I am gonna be 'intermittent fasting' 2 days of the week, and am gonna consume 500-600 cals 2 days a week. Surprisingly, she said she would join me. I love my mom and don't want her to become food obsessed, but she has innocent intentions and just wants to loose a bit of belly fat. I'm kinda happy because for 2 days a week, I have an excuse to eat less dinner. Now I only have to pretend to eat normally for 5 other days, instead of 7. I'm also not gonna consume 500-600 cals on fasting days, but instead say I ate a big breakfast (and not actually eat) , and pretty much skip dinner. YESSSS!!! TBH a part of me is nervous she'll somehow find out about my ED, but I'm just scaring myself. Wish me luck!!
Hi! I'm getting back on track. Yesterday I had 545 cals yesterday and today I had 465 calories. I think I gained 3 pounds over my 5 day 'binge' (literally just eating like a normal human being) so I feel like shit. I'm gonna try to avoid tumblr and ed/weight related media until I feel better. Tumblr helps with tips but it's kind of a toxic place that makes me feel bad about myself. Everyone is a better anorexic than me (that sounds so fucked up). Even with a deficit I feel like a failure. I don't really feel comfortable calling myself anorexic since I haven't been formally diagnosed. I might have EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), but I lean most towards anorexia nervosa. IDK. Also, lately I've been feeling very low. I haven't worked out in over a week since my gym pass expired (getting a new one soon). I just feel like I'm gaining, even though I'm not. I don't know how to stop feeling like shit. I want to eat AND be thin, but I can't have both. As messed up as it is, I feel like I NEED my ed. Anyways, hope you're having a great day. Doubt anyone reads this but whatever. Thanks, stranger.
I am going to get back on track. Yesterday I had the munchies and ate around 2000 cals, but today I ate 395 cals and burned 180 throughout the day, so I'm down to 215. I know it doesn't sound like I restrict because all these previous posts were about me binging, but that was just a week. I have lost over 25 pounds in 3 months by restricting. I sw was 175, my cw is 150 and my gw is 120. I feel like I could have lost more if I didn't binge. I have been avoiding scales and mirrors because I've been eating around 2000 cals a day. Again, I'm going to do better. I saw this post on tumblr saying that anorexics that eat around 500-1000 cals a day are the ones that lose the most weight. I know that's probably true but I am still gonna eat as little as possible. I know you binge if you restrict too low, but whatever. Also, I've been smoking every night for the past 4 days (not good for me) and I did my first wake and bake. A wake and bake would be fun on a weekend, but I had to go to school right after. I'm so flipping tired of school.
UPDATE: I ate a small apple and half a banana. This equals up to another 125 cals, so I'm at 340. Still under 500 cals, not bad...
I told myself I wouldn't overeat but guess wat? I DID :')))!!! I am gonna be honest, during my four day 'binge', I felt great. I ate whatever I wanted. I kind of miss that feeling; eating whatever, whenever. How easy it was to just eat a chocolate or some chips and not feel regret/shame. Now it is all catching up to me. I realize how many calories I consumed, but I can't change the past. I've been really struggling today. I'm gonna smoke tonight but wasn't planning on getting any food for munchies. In a state of euphoria and giddiness, I spent 9 dollars at Dollarama getting food. I got cookies, teddy crackers, doritos, 2 chocolate bars, and 2 diet cokes. I regretted buying it all after, knowing that I might give in. I'm going to gain all the weight I lost back. Why can't I stop myself?? Anyways, school has been shitty and dreary, I haven't been motivated. I cannot wait until summer. Bye, stay safe.
I'm 17!! I had a great time at the restaurant seeing my family. I ate whatever I wanted all day and didn't feel bad. Now the fun and novelty is wearing off. I feel regret and shame. I'm bloated and big and hideous. I can't believe I ate that much. I'm gonna use this weekend/week to starve and restrict A LOT. I will let this go, it was my birthday. But never again.
My 17th birthday is tomorrow and I'e already binged all day today. I'm also going to a greek restauant tomorrow, so I'm gonna have a normal meal. I feel gross, but I've given myself permission to eat. Y'know wats weird?? Even when I give myself permission to stuff my face, I only eat cereal, goldfish, and small chocolates, even when we have other options. I absolutley FORBID myself icecream, cookies, and anything that tastes too sweet. Like, I can't even SOMEWHAT enjoy my binges hah. I ate 200 cals yesterday and am planning to fast/eat a very minimal amount over the weekend so I don't gain. I'm probably gonna eat more tonight, since I'm eating an edible and I'm gonna have the munchies. Whatever, ya got to live a little. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have an ed. I always feel like I'm faking it. Ehhh, who cares about label tho. I still feel tired and shitty almost all the time, no matter what I have. Anyways, gonna indulge in my special cookie. By the way, I had a few edible crumbs in math class today and didn't really feel anything. I was a bit disappointed, but what the hell did I expect. THEY WERE CRUMBS LOL.
What do you mean smoking pot isn't a personality trait??
I wasn't going to write today, but now I feel compelled to. I was doing so well today, making it just under 300 (like I told myself I would). However, I decided it would be smart to eat a shit tone of cereal, 6 chocolate chip cookies, and a few spoons of peanut butter. It doesn't sound that bad, but it was A LOT! I tried to remain positive, but I looked 7 months pregnant (literally). I almost started breaking down in my bathroom but I took a shower and purged. I feel disgusting, bloated, ugly...I told myself I wouldn't do this. Food is controlling me. I am such a failure. I've been working so hard these few months, and I see NO progress. I look in the mirror and see someone who is unlovable and undesirable. However, I'm trying not to beat myself up too much. I acted like a dummy but there are ways I can improve, so I'm gonna fast tomorrow. ALL DAY, NO EXCUSES!! 0 CALORIES! Also, I had a weird dream last night. I dreamt I told my friends that I purge, and even when I still have vomit remnants on my hands, I still put my fingers down my throat so I can taste the pain. I actually felt peaceful during that dream. A few weeks ago, I dreamt I ate 2 cookies and a sandwich, and immediately threw up into my kitchen trash. I can't even escape this stuff in my dreams loloololl. It's weird I have bulimia dreams when I don't even purge that often (maybe twice a month)?? Anyways, sorry I sound so depressing. Have a good night people!!
I successfully finished a 24 hour fast and could have gone longer.But my mom made me eat dinner, which was strawberry spinach salad, tater tots, and a hamburger patty. I only at my salad (180), 2 tots (30), and 3/4s of my patty (155). I also snacked on a small cup of harvest crunch with no milk later (360) later. Overall, I have consumed 575 cals today, but burned off 180 from walking. Also, I literally drank 2L of diet coke today (which is NOT good and made me bloated af). My total was 545. I don't know what is wrong with me; I am seriously under eating and I still feel like I ate too much. FUCK! I'm gonna try to only eat dinner tomorrow, and stay around 200-300. I'm actually hoping my mom won't make dinner so I can have soup!! I love soup so much. Anyways, gonna watch some Gordon Ramsey and chill. Have a great day, y'all!
Hai! This is my first blog post. I am having fun making this site and I am glad I decided to do this. If you are reading and have an ed, I hope you get the help you need and stay safe. If you don't have one, please avoid places where you might be influenced. I don't want anyone to have an ed cuz they suck. However, these last few days haven't been too bad. I binged yesterday, but everyday is a new start. I am currently trying to fast, but I don't know how long it will last. My mom might make me eat dinner *sigh*. I might update later to write how it goes. Have a great day!! :D
UPDATE: It's currently 9:00pm, and I am having enjoying creating this site. Honestly, I feel kinda bad about making it tho. I don't want to seem like I'm romanticizing eds by making this all cute and aesthetic. Again, I just need this place for me. I'm sorry if it comes off that way.